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Marlena,
No, you are not being selfish!
Insist that she go to a counselor.
If she refuses you should still go for your own peace of mine.
I've been told there are support group for people like us ..... children
taking care of their parents that would help you cope with your mother.
I understand what your going through.
I'm 51 and my mother is 76 years old and has made herself totally dependent
because she refused to do anything for herself for the past 10 years.
Basically I'm going through the same thing with my mother but I do have the
support of my children and grand children which really makes a difference. I
do have two sisters but they've informed me that they have a life and don't
have time for our mother. Needless to say when I was informed of that the
way I feel now is that I am also an only child.
Hang in there
Good Luck
Rosemary
marlena_dillard@amsinc.com wrote:
> I'm a 54 year old only child. My mother has lived with me since my
> father died 3 years ago. She has arthritis (uses a cane), atrial
> fibrillation (for which she takes medication), but is mentally alert.
> Unfortunately, she weighs over 350 lbs, which makes it difficult for her
> to move around, so she sits all day - except to go to the bathroom and
> the kitchen.
>
> The problems are: 1) she refuses to do hardly anything for herself,
> 2)she hasn't been in the tub or shower since she came to live with me
> and washes herself and her hair using the sink ONLY when she has a
> medical appointment, 3) will ONLY leave our condo when she has to go to
> one of those same medical appointments, 4)she complains constantly about
> everything - she never sees that any cup is half full, only that it is
> half empty.
>
> She refuses to have someone in to help her bathe, but expects me to do
> it after I come home from work. We have a hairdresser in our condo
> building and have tried repeatedly to get her to go see her each week to
> get her hair washed and styled, but she refuses to go. She will only go
> when her hair absolutely has to be cut, and then she will not go unless
> I go with her and sit in the salon while she has it done.
>
> Everytime I have to go out of town for a couple of days, either for my
> job or just a weekend getaway trip, she calls me to tell me she needs me
> to come home because her "heart is acting up". I respond by telling her
> that if she really thinks there's a problem she sould call 911, then
> call me back. She refuses, saying she will not call 911 if I'm not there
> with her. This is always followed by her filling me with guilt when I
> return home because she says she could have died and I should have come
> home when she called because she needed me and I let her down. The last
> time this happened, I was a 6 hr drive away with my fiance at his
> brother's funeral!
>
> She stays up watching television and/or singing along with her cassette
> tapes all night long, then goes to bed around 7 am and sleeps until
> around noon. I have to put ear plugs in at night in order to get enough
> sleep to go to work.
>
> My fiance and I want to get married, but have not because of my Mother.
> She says his house doesn't have the right kind of toilets(because of her
> large size she can't wipe herself easily), that she can't stand to walk
> on the tile and hardwood floors (I had to have even the kitchen of my
> condo carpeted when she moved in with me!), that she won't feel safe
> there because there are too many windows and doors, and the list goes on
> and on.
>
> When I try to talk to her, she gets defensive, saying she is old and not
> going to be around for long (she's 74) and cries. I end up feeling both
> guilty and angry. She says I'm selfish because I want to spend weekends
> with my fiance.
>
> I asked her if she thought she would be more content in an assisted
> living retirement home, and she accused me of trying to "put her away".
>
> I'm about to go nuts. I think it's time I talked with a counselor, even
> if I can't get my mother to go with me. Am I really being selfish? Yes,
> my parents were very good to me, and I couldn't have made it without
> their help after my divorce many years ago, but am I really expected to
> put my life on hold until her's ends? I know about tough love for your
> kids, and I had to put it into practice it a couple of times while they
> were growing up, but is there such a thing as tough love for your
> parent(s)??? And, if there is, what is it and how should I do it?
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> Visit this CareTalk ™ message (to reply or unsubscribe) at:
> http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79.html
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Marlena,
<br><b>No, you are not being selfish!</b>
<br>Insist that she go to a counselor.
<br>If she refuses you should still go for your own peace of mine.
<br>I've been told there are support group for people like us ..... children
taking care of their parents that would help you cope with your mother.
<br>I understand what your going through.
<br>I'm 51 and my mother is 76 years old and has made herself totally dependent
because she refused to do anything for herself for the past 10 years. Basically
I'm going through the same thing with my mother but I do have the support
of my children and grand children which really makes a difference. I do
have two sisters but they've informed me that they have a life and don't
have time for our mother. Needless to say when I was informed of that the
way I feel now is that I am also an only child.
<br>Hang in there
<br>Good Luck
<br>Rosemary
<p>marlena_dillard@amsinc.com wrote:
<blockquote TYPE=CITE>I'm a 54 year old only child. My mother has lived
with me since my
<br>father died 3 years ago. She has arthritis (uses a cane), atrial
<br>fibrillation (for which she takes medication), but is mentally alert.
<br>Unfortunately, she weighs over 350 lbs, which makes it difficult for
her
<br>to move around, so she sits all day - except to go to the bathroom
and
<br>the kitchen.
<p>The problems are: 1) she refuses to do hardly anything for herself,
<br>2)she hasn't been in the tub or shower since she came to live with
me
<br>and washes herself and her hair using the sink ONLY when she has a
<br>medical appointment, 3) will ONLY leave our condo when she has to go
to
<br>one of those same medical appointments, 4)she complains constantly
about
<br>everything - she never sees that any cup is half full, only that it
is
<br>half empty.
<p>She refuses to have someone in to help her bathe, but expects me to
do
<br>it after I come home from work. We have a hairdresser in our condo
<br>building and have tried repeatedly to get her to go see her each week
to
<br>get her hair washed and styled, but she refuses to go. She will only
go
<br>when her hair absolutely has to be cut, and then she will not go unless
<br>I go with her and sit in the salon while she has it done.
<p>Everytime I have to go out of town for a couple of days, either for
my
<br>job or just a weekend getaway trip, she calls me to tell me she needs
me
<br>to come home because her "heart is acting up". I respond by telling
her
<br>that if she really thinks there's a problem she sould call 911, then
<br>call me back. She refuses, saying she will not call 911 if I'm not
there
<br>with her. This is always followed by her filling me with guilt when
I
<br>return home because she says she could have died and I should have
come
<br>home when she called because she needed me and I let her down. The
last
<br>time this happened, I was a 6 hr drive away with my fiance at his
<br>brother's funeral!
<p>She stays up watching television and/or singing along with her cassette
<br>tapes all night long, then goes to bed around 7 am and sleeps until
<br>around noon. I have to put ear plugs in at night in order to get enough
<br>sleep to go to work.
<p>My fiance and I want to get married, but have not because of my Mother.
<br>She says his house doesn't have the right kind of toilets(because of
her
<br>large size she can't wipe herself easily), that she can't stand to
walk
<br>on the tile and hardwood floors (I had to have even the kitchen of
my
<br>condo carpeted when she moved in with me!), that she won't feel safe
<br>there because there are too many windows and doors, and the list goes
on
<br>and on.
<p>When I try to talk to her, she gets defensive, saying she is old and
not
<br>going to be around for long (she's 74) and cries. I end up feeling
both
<br>guilty and angry. She says I'm selfish because I want to spend weekends
<br>with my fiance.
<p>I asked her if she thought she would be more content in an assisted
<br>living retirement home, and she accused me of trying to "put her away".
<p>I'm about to go nuts. I think it's time I talked with a counselor, even
<br>if I can't get my mother to go with me. Am I really being selfish?
Yes,
<br>my parents were very good to me, and I couldn't have made it without
<br>their help after my divorce many years ago, but am I really expected
to
<br>put my life on hold until her's ends? I know about tough love for your
<br>kids, and I had to put it into practice it a couple of times while
they
<br>were growing up, but is there such a thing as tough love for your
<br>parent(s)??? And, if there is, what is it and how should I do it?
<p>-------------------------------------------------------------
<br>Visit this CareTalk &#153; message (to reply or unsubscribe) at:
<br><a href="http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79.html">http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79.html</a></blockquote>;
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