--------------010402060609040300020001
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
I agree. I would never have made it through the time I spent with my
mil without the support systems I had. I am a HUGE proponent of support
groups and counseling! Marlena, as well as many others in her situation
of caregiving, is experiencing feelings of guilt and self-doubt. I was
there too. My words of "tough love" were an attempt to help her take
care of herself too.
Caregivers often deny their own needs when taking care of another. If
the caregiver doesn't take care of themself, who will?
There are many ways to care for someone. All of those ways can be
respectful. We need to look at our lives, and our abilities and make
the best environment for all. Don't you think that the cared for know
when their caregiver really doesn't want to do it? My mil knew which of
her children wanted to help her and those who really didn't. Which of
us had her best interests in mind and those who were acting out of
obligation. No one wants to be an obligation.
I fully support anyone who takes on the role of caregiver. It is a
major undertaking and caregivers must be supported, even when they have
to make hard decisions. Part of a support group can be the voice that
helps the caregiver through those difficult decisions.
I became part of this support system while I was a caregiver. There
were many voices that reminded me weekly to take care of myself. The
messages here are understanding and concerned supportive and affirming.
While my words may be untrained, I am thankful for that and only wish to
do the same.
A.W.
Rosemary Krysinski wrote:
> Tough love isn't always the answer AW and especially when it's long term care
> and if the one needing the care has full control of their mind. I've taken
> care of my Mother for 10 years now and if I didn't treat her with the love and
> respect she deserves as my Mother we would of never made it this long. Yes,
> there are time when you have to take a different approach but as long as she
> has full control of her mind I could never treat her like a child ..... it's
> degrading. You can take control of a situation without disregarding ones
> feelings. I also believe any long term care giver should have a support group
> and/or counselor and especially when a parent is involved. At one point you
> asked, "Why are you so frustrated? Why do you feel
> guilty? Do you really think you could be doing more or do you feel you
> "should" be doing more?" Any grown child that has been in our position has
> felt the same way only because we love our parent and want the best for them
> just as they wanted for us. Yes, they can be very trying at times but that's
> when the support groups and counselors come in.
> Our parents maybe getting older and don't do things the way they use to but
> they still deserve our respect.
>
> AWdowiarz wrote:
>
>> Marlena,
>> If your mom was an adult child of yours what would you do and say
>> to her? You would be firm and set house rules. You would talk to her
>> about respecting each other and giving each other space to live. You
>> would probably try to help her any way you could but you would most
>> likely not allow her to take over your life.
>> If your mom doesn't want to go out to get her hair done, can your
>> hairdresser come in to do it? I don't know where you live, but many
>> counties have services available to senior citizens such as home health
>> care or other aides who will come to the home to provide care.
>> The way I look at it, (as with a child) you have to say this is
>> the way it is going to be. For instance with the bathing: "I can't do
>> this myself. Either we need to figure out a way to do it yourself, or I
>> will have someone who is trained to do this come and help you." Giving
>> choices "this way or that way" is the way I often got my children to do
>> things I wanted them to do and they didn't. Either way, the job gets
>> done but they feel some sense of control.
>> I took care of my mother-in-law (mil) for 19 months as she fought
>> a brain tumor. Many times I had to "make" her do things she didn't want
>> to do. I was at times brutally honest with her and told her point
>> blank, that I couldn't do it. I apologized and went on with what needed
>> to be done.
>> At the same time, I would suggest that you be honest about your
>> feelings on the subject. Why are you so frustrated? Why do you feel
>> guilty? Do you really think you could be doing more or do you feel you
>> "should" be doing more? Once you figure out what you are capable of
>> doing (which sometimes turns out to be more than we think), what you are
>> willing to do, and what you need to allow others to do, you will be able
>> to address the situation with your mom.
>> When you talk to her I recommend using "I statements" that is to
>> say "When this happens I feel...", Or " I need to do ..." Take her
>> responsibility (as you see it) out of the picture. Let her know that
>> you love and care about her but you are only human and the situation is
>> draining you. Tell her that you need her help so that you help her.
>> Marlena, I am not a trained professional. But I have been in
>> the situation where I have felt overwhelmed with the care of another.
>> My mil weighed more than I could handle safely. She too was stubborn
>> and wanted things to go "her way". She was used to being self
>> sufficient and didn't really want to rely on others. It really hurt her
>> pride to accept help but needed it. Perhaps your mom has not dealt with
>> her incapacity or perhaps she has and has given up on living on someone
>> else's terms.
>> You may not be able to change her attitude. You can only change
>> the way you deal with it. Do what you know you can, and find comfort in
>> the effort you make. When you must make the hard choices, do it with
>> confidence that you have done what you could.
>> Maybe counseling will help you. I recommend looking into services
>> that are available in your area to help you help her. Giving back to
>> our parents can be an honor and blessing. Be true to yourself and be
>> willing to go maybe a little outside your comfort zone. Good Luck and
>> God Bless you.
>> There is so much to say on this topic. I hope this helps a little.
>>
>> Andrea
>> marlena_dillard@amsinc.com wrote:
>>
>>> I'm a 54 year old only child. My mother has lived with me since my
>>> father died 3 years ago. She has arthritis (uses a cane), atrial
>>> fibrillation (for which she takes medication), but is mentally alert.
>>> Unfortunately, she weighs over 350 lbs, which makes it difficult for her
>>> to move around, so she sits all day - except to go to the bathroom and
>>> the kitchen.
>>>
>>> The problems are: 1) she refuses to do hardly anything for herself,
>>> 2)she hasn't been in the tub or shower since she came to live with me
>>> and washes herself and her hair using the sink ONLY when she has a
>>> medical appointment, 3) will ONLY leave our condo when she has to go to
>>> one of those same medical appointments, 4)she complains constantly about
>>> everything - she never sees that any cup is half full, only that it is
>>> half empty.
>>>
>>> She refuses to have someone in to help her bathe, but expects me to do
>>> it after I come home from work. We have a hairdresser in our condo
>>> building and have tried repeatedly to get her to go see her each week to
>>> get her hair washed and styled, but she refuses to go. She will only go
>>> when her hair absolutely has to be cut, and then she will not go unless
>>> I go with her and sit in the salon while she has it done.
>>>
>>> Everytime I have to go out of town for a couple of days, either for my
>>> job or just a weekend getaway trip, she calls me to tell me she needs me
>>> to come home because her "heart is acting up". I respond by telling her
>>> that if she really thinks there's a problem she sould call 911, then
>>> call me back. She refuses, saying she will not call 911 if I'm not there
>>> with her. This is always followed by her filling me with guilt when I
>>> return home because she says she could have died and I should have come
>>> home when she called because she needed me and I let her down. The last
>>> time this happened, I was a 6 hr drive away with my fiance at his
>>> brother's funeral!
>>>
>>> She stays up watching television and/or singing along with her cassette
>>> tapes all night long, then goes to bed around 7 am and sleeps until
>>> around noon. I have to put ear plugs in at night in order to get enough
>>> sleep to go to work.
>>>
>>> My fiance and I want to get married, but have not because of my Mother.
>>> She says his house doesn't have the right kind of toilets(because of her
>>> large size she can't wipe herself easily), that she can't stand to walk
>>> on the tile and hardwood floors (I had to have even the kitchen of my
>>> condo carpeted when she moved in with me!), that she won't feel safe
>>> there because there are too many windows and doors, and the list goes on
>>> and on.
>>>
>>> When I try to talk to her, she gets defensive, saying she is old and not
>>> going to be around for long (she's 74) and cries. I end up feeling both
>>> guilty and angry. She says I'm selfish because I want to spend weekends
>>> with my fiance.
>>>
>>> I asked her if she thought she would be more content in an assisted
>>> living retirement home, and she accused me of trying to "put her away".
>>>
>>> I'm about to go nuts. I think it's time I talked with a counselor, even
>>> if I can't get my mother to go with me. Am I really being selfish? Yes,
>>> my parents were very good to me, and I couldn't have made it without
>>> their help after my divorce many years ago, but am I really expected to
>>> put my life on hold until her's ends? I know about tough love for your
>>> kids, and I had to put it into practice it a couple of times while they
>>> were growing up, but is there such a thing as tough love for your
>>> parent(s)??? And, if there is, what is it and how should I do it?
>>>
>>>
>>> -------------------------------------------------------------
>>> Visit this CareTalk ™ message (to reply or unsubscribe) at:
>>> http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79.html
>>>
>>>
>> -------------------------------------------------------------
>> Visit this CareTalk ™ message (to reply or unsubscribe) at:
>> http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79/2.html
>
>
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> Visit this CareTalk ™ message (to reply or unsubscribe) at:
> http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79/2/1.html
>
>
--------------010402060609040300020001
Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
<html><head></head><body>I agree. I would never have made it through the
time I spent with my mil without the support systems I had. I am a HUGE
proponent of support groups and counseling! Marlena, as well as many others
in her situation of caregiving, is experiencing feelings of guilt and self-doubt.
I was there too. My words of "tough love" were an attempt to help her take
care of herself too. <br>
Caregivers often deny their own needs when taking care of another. If the caregiver doesn't take care of themself, who will? <br>
There are many ways to care for someone. All of those ways can be respectful.
We need to look at our lives, and our abilities and make the best environment
for all. Don't you think that the cared for know when their caregiver really
doesn't want to do it? My mil knew which of her children wanted to help
her and those who really didn't. Which of us had <u>her</u> best interests in mind and those who were acting out of obligation. No one wants to be an obligation.<br>
I fully support anyone who takes on the role of caregiver. It is a major
undertaking and caregivers must be supported, even when they have to make
hard decisions. Part of a support group can be the voice that helps the
caregiver through those difficult decisions. <br>
I became part of this support system while I was a caregiver. There were
many voices that reminded me weekly to take care of myself. The messages
here are understanding and concerned supportive and affirming. While my
words may be untrained, I am thankful for that and only wish to do the same.<br>
<br>
A.W.<br>
Rosemary Krysinski wrote:<br>
<blockquote type="cite" cite="mid:3B324272.A67E9190@beanstalk.net"><pre wrap="">Tough love isn't always the answer AW and especially when it's long term care<br>and if the one needing the care has full control of their mind. I've taken<br>care of my Mother for 10 years now and if I didn't treat her with the love and<br>respect she deserves as my Mother we would of never made it this long. Yes,<br>there are time when you have to take a different approach but as long as she<br>has full control of her mind I could never treat her like a child ..... it's<br>degrading. You can take control of a situation without disregarding ones<br>feelings. I also believe any long term care giver should have a support group<br>and/or counselor and especially when a parent is involved. At one point you<br>asked, "Why are you so frustrated? Why do you feel<br>guilty? Do you really think you could be doing more or do you feel you<br>"should" be doing more?" Any grown child that has been in our position has<br>felt the same way only because we love our parent and want the best for them<br>just as they wanted for us. Yes, they can be very trying at times but that's<br>when the support groups and counselors come in.<br>Our parents maybe getting older and don't do things the way they use to but<br>they still deserve our respect.<br><br>AWdowiarz wrote:<br><br></pre>
<blockquote type="cite"><pre wrap="">Marlena,<br> If your mom was an adult child of yours what would you do and say<br>to her? You would be firm and set house rules. You would talk to her<br>about respecting each other and giving each other space to live. You<br>would probably try to help her any way you could but you would most<br>likely not allow her to take over your life.<br> If your mom doesn't want to go out to get her hair done, can your<br>hairdresser come in to do it? I don't know where you live, but many<br>counties have services available to senior citizens such as home health<br>care or other aides who will come to the home to provide care.<br> The way I look at it, (as with a child) you have to say this is<br>the way it is going to be. For instance with the bathing: "I can't do<br>this myself. Either we need to figure out a way to do it yourself, or I<br>will have someone who is trained to do this come and help you." Giving<br>choices "this way or that way" is the way I often got my children to do<br>things I wanted them to do and they didn't. Either way, the job gets<br>done but they feel some sense of control.<br> I took care of my mother-in-law (mil) for 19 months as she fought<br>a brain tumor. Many times I had to "make" her do things she didn't want<br>to do. I was at times brutally honest with her and told her point<br>blank, that I couldn't do it. I apologized and went on with what needed<br>to be done.<br> At the same time, I would suggest that you be honest about your<br>feelings on the subject. Why are you so frustrated? Why do you feel<br>guilty? Do you really think you could be doing more or do you feel you<br>"should" be doing more? Once you figure out what you are capable of<br>doing (which sometimes turns out to be more than we think), what you are<br>willing to do, and what you need to allow others to do, you will be able<br>to address the situation with your mom.<br> When you talk to her I recommend using "I statements" that is to<br>say "When this happens I feel...", Or " I need to do ..." Take her<br>responsibility (as you see it) out of the picture. Let her know that<br>you love and care about her but you are only human and the situation is<br>draining you. Tell her that you need her help so that you help her.<br> Marlena, I am not a trained professional. But I have been in<br>the situation where I have felt overwhelmed with the care of another.<br>My mil weighed more than I could handle safely. She too was stubborn<br>and wanted things to go "her way". She was used to being self<br>sufficient and didn't really want to rely on others. It really hurt her<br>pride to accept help but needed it. Perhaps your mom has not dealt with<br>her incapacity or perhaps she has and has given up on living on someone<br>else's terms.<br> You may not be able to change her attitude. You can only change<br>the way you deal with it. Do what you know you can, and find comfort in<br>the effort you make. When you must make the hard choices, do it with<br>confidence that you have done what you could.<br> Maybe counseling will help you. I recommend looking into services<br>that are available in your area to help you help her. Giving back to<br>our parents can be an honor and blessing. Be true to yourself and be<br>willing to go maybe a little outside your comfort zone. Good Luck and<br>God Bless you.<br> There is so much to say on this topic. I hope this helps a little.<br><br>Andrea<br><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:marlena_dillard@amsinc.com">marlena_dillard@amsinc.com</a> wrote:<br><br></pre><blockquote type="cite"><pre wrap="">I'm a 54 year old only child. My mother has lived with me since my<br>father died 3 years ago. She has arthritis (uses a cane), atrial<br>fibrillation (for which she takes medication), but is mentally alert.<br>Unfortunately, she weighs over 350 lbs, which makes it difficult for her<br>to move around, so she sits all day - except to go to the bathroom and<br>the kitchen.<br><br>The problems are: 1) she refuses to do hardly anything for herself,<br>2)she hasn't been in the tub or shower since she came to live with me<br>and washes herself and her hair using the sink ONLY when she has a<br>medical appointment, 3) will ONLY leave our condo when she has to go to<br>one of those same medical appointments, 4)she complains constantly about<br>everything - she never sees that any cup is half full, only that it is<br>half empty.<br><br>She refuses to have someone in to help her bathe, but expects me to do<br>it after I come home from work. We have a hairdresser in our condo<br>building and have tried repeatedly to get her to go see her each week to<br>get her hair washed and styled, but she refuses to go. She will only go<br>when her hair absolutely has to be cut, and then she will not go unless<br>I go with her and sit in the salon while she has it done.<br><br>Everytime I have to go out of town for a couple of days, either for my<br>job or just a weekend getaway trip, she calls me to tell me she needs me<br>to come home because her "heart is acting up". I respond by telling her<br>that if she really thinks there's a problem she sould call 911, then<br>call me back. She refuses, saying she will not call 911 if I'm not there<br>with her. This is always followed by her filling me with guilt when I<br>return home because she says she could have died and I should have come<br>home when she called because she needed me and I let her down. The last<br>time this happened, I was a 6 hr drive away with my fiance at his<br>brother's funeral!<br><br>She stays up watching television and/or singing along with her cassette<br>tapes all night long, then goes to bed around 7 am and sleeps until<br>around noon. I have to put ear plugs in at night in order to get enough<br>sleep to go to work.<br><br>My fiance and I want to get married, but have not because of my Mother.<br>She says his house doesn't have the right kind of toilets(because of her<br>large size she can't wipe herself easily), that she can't stand to walk<br>on the tile and hardwood floors (I had to have even the kitchen of my<br>condo carpeted when she moved in with me!), that she won't feel safe<br>there because there are too many windows and doors, and the list goes on<br>and on.<br><br>When I try to talk to her, she gets defensive, saying she is old and not<br>going to be around for long (she's 74) and cries. I end up feeling both<br>guilty and angry. She says I'm selfish because I want to spend weekends<br>with my fiance.<br><br>I asked her if she thought she would be more content in an assisted<br>living retirement home, and she accused me of trying to "put her away".<br><br>I'm about to go nuts. I think it's time I talked with a counselor, even<br>if I can't get my mother to go with me. Am I really being selfish? Yes,<br>my parents were very good to me, and I couldn't have made it without<br>their help after my divorce many years ago, but am I really expected to<br>put my life on hold until her's ends? I know about tough love for your<br>kids, and I had to put it into practice it a couple of times while they<br>were growing up, but is there such a thing as tough love for your<br>parent(s)??? And, if there is, what is it and how should I do it?<br><br><br>-------------------------------------------------------------<br>Visit this CareTalk &#153; message (to reply or unsubscribe) at:<br><a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79.html">http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79.html</a><br><br><br></pre></blockquote><pre wrap="">-------------------------------------------------------------<br>Visit this CareTalk &#153; message (to reply or unsubscribe) at:<br><a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79/2.html">http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79/2.html</a><br></pre></blockquote>;
<pre wrap=""><!----><br><br>-------------------------------------------------------------<br>Visit this CareTalk &#153; message (to reply or unsubscribe) at: <br><a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79/2/1.html">http://www.asktransitions.com/caretalk2/get/forum1/79/2/1.html</a><br><br><br></pre>;
</blockquote>
<br>
</body></html>
--------------010402060609040300020001--
|