Tough love isn't always the answer AW and especially when it's long term care
and if the one needing the care has full control of their mind. I've taken
care of my Mother for 10 years now and if I didn't treat her with the love and
respect she deserves as my Mother we would of never made it this long. Yes,
there are time when you have to take a different approach but as long as she
has full control of her mind I could never treat her like a child ..... it's
degrading. You can take control of a situation without disregarding ones
feelings. I also believe any long term care giver should have a support group
and/or counselor and especially when a parent is involved. At one point you
asked, "Why are you so frustrated? Why do you feel
guilty? Do you really think you could be doing more or do you feel you
"should" be doing more?" Any grown child that has been in our position has
felt the same way only because we love our parent and want the best for them
just as they wanted for us. Yes, they can be very trying at times but that's
when the support groups and counselors come in.
Our parents maybe getting older and don't do things the way they use to but
they still deserve our respect.
AWdowiarz wrote:
> Marlena,
> If your mom was an adult child of yours what would you do and say
> to her? You would be firm and set house rules. You would talk to her
> about respecting each other and giving each other space to live. You
> would probably try to help her any way you could but you would most
> likely not allow her to take over your life.
> If your mom doesn't want to go out to get her hair done, can your
> hairdresser come in to do it? I don't know where you live, but many
> counties have services available to senior citizens such as home health
> care or other aides who will come to the home to provide care.
> The way I look at it, (as with a child) you have to say this is
> the way it is going to be. For instance with the bathing: "I can't do
> this myself. Either we need to figure out a way to do it yourself, or I
> will have someone who is trained to do this come and help you." Giving
> choices "this way or that way" is the way I often got my children to do
> things I wanted them to do and they didn't. Either way, the job gets
> done but they feel some sense of control.
> I took care of my mother-in-law (mil) for 19 months as she fought
> a brain tumor. Many times I had to "make" her do things she didn't want
> to do. I was at times brutally honest with her and told her point
> blank, that I couldn't do it. I apologized and went on with what needed
> to be done.
> At the same time, I would suggest that you be honest about your
> feelings on the subject. Why are you so frustrated? Why do you feel
> guilty? Do you really think you could be doing more or do you feel you
> "should" be doing more? Once you figure out what you are capable of
> doing (which sometimes turns out to be more than we think), what you are
> willing to do, and what you need to allow others to do, you will be able
> to address the situation with your mom.
> When you talk to her I recommend using "I statements" that is to
> say "When this happens I feel...", Or " I need to do ..." Take her
> responsibility (as you see it) out of the picture. Let her know that
> you love and care about her but you are only human and the situation is
> draining you. Tell her that you need her help so that you help her.
> Marlena, I am not a trained professional. But I have been in
> the situation where I have felt overwhelmed with the care of another.
> My mil weighed more than I could handle safely. She too was stubborn
> and wanted things to go "her way". She was used to being self
> sufficient and didn't really want to rely on others. It really hurt her
> pride to accept help but needed it. Perhaps your mom has not dealt with
> her incapacity or perhaps she has and has given up on living on someone
> else's terms.
> You may not be able to change her attitude. You can only change
> the way you deal with it. Do what you know you can, and find comfort in
> the effort you make. When you must make the hard choices, do it with
> confidence that you have done what you could.
> Maybe counseling will help you. I recommend looking into services
> that are available in your area to help you help her. Giving back to
> our parents can be an honor and blessing. Be true to yourself and be
> willing to go maybe a little outside your comfort zone. Good Luck and
> God Bless you.
> There is so much to say on this topic. I hope this helps a little.
>
> Andrea
> marlena_dillard@amsinc.com wrote:
>
> > I'm a 54 year old only child. My mother has lived with me since my
> > father died 3 years ago. She has arthritis (uses a cane), atrial
> > fibrillation (for which she takes medication), but is mentally alert.
> > Unfortunately, she weighs over 350 lbs, which makes it difficult for her
> > to move around, so she sits all day - except to go to the bathroom and
> > the kitchen.
> >
> > The problems are: 1) she refuses to do hardly anything for herself,
> > 2)she hasn't been in the tub or shower since she came to live with me
> > and washes herself and her hair using the sink ONLY when she has a
> > medical appointment, 3) will ONLY leave our condo when she has to go to
> > one of those same medical appointments, 4)she complains constantly about
> > everything - she never sees that any cup is half full, only that it is
> > half empty.
> >
> > She refuses to have someone in to help her bathe, but expects me to do
> > it after I come home from work. We have a hairdresser in our condo
> > building and have tried repeatedly to get her to go see her each week to
> > get her hair washed and styled, but she refuses to go. She will only go
> > when her hair absolutely has to be cut, and then she will not go unless
> > I go with her and sit in the salon while she has it done.
> >
> > Everytime I have to go out of town for a couple of days, either for my
> > job or just a weekend getaway trip, she calls me to tell me she needs me
> > to come home because her "heart is acting up". I respond by telling her
> > that if she really thinks there's a problem she sould call 911, then
> > call me back. She refuses, saying she will not call 911 if I'm not there
> > with her. This is always followed by her filling me with guilt when I
> > return home because she says she could have died and I should have come
> > home when she called because she needed me and I let her down. The last
> > time this happened, I was a 6 hr drive away with my fiance at his
> > brother's funeral!
> >
> > She stays up watching television and/or singing along with her cassette
> > tapes all night long, then goes to bed around 7 am and sleeps until
> > around noon. I have to put ear plugs in at night in order to get enough
> > sleep to go to work.
> >
> > My fiance and I want to get married, but have not because of my Mother.
> > She says his house doesn't have the right kind of toilets(because of her
> > large size she can't wipe herself easily), that she can't stand to walk
> > on the tile and hardwood floors (I had to have even the kitchen of my
> > condo carpeted when she moved in with me!), that she won't feel safe
> > there because there are too many windows and doors, and the list goes on
> > and on.
> >
> > When I try to talk to her, she gets defensive, saying she is old and not
> > going to be around for long (she's 74) and cries. I end up feeling both
> > guilty and angry. She says I'm selfish because I want to spend weekends
> > with my fiance.
> >
> > I asked her if she thought she would be more content in an assisted
> > living retirement home, and she accused me of trying to "put her away".
> >
> > I'm about to go nuts. I think it's time I talked with a counselor, even
> > if I can't get my mother to go with me. Am I really being selfish? Yes,
> > my parents were very good to me, and I couldn't have made it without
> > their help after my divorce many years ago, but am I really expected to
> > put my life on hold until her's ends? I know about tough love for your
> > kids, and I had to put it into practice it a couple of times while they
> > were growing up, but is there such a thing as tough love for your
> > parent(s)??? And, if there is, what is it and how should I do it?
> >
> >
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> >
> >
>
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