I'm a 54 year old only child. My mother has lived with me since my father died 3 years ago. She has arthritis (uses a cane), atrial fibrillation (for which she takes medication), but is mentally alert. Unfortunately, she weighs over 350 lbs, which makes it difficult for her to move around, so she sits all day - except to go to the bathroom and the kitchen.
The problems are: 1) she refuses to do hardly anything for herself, 2)she hasn't been in the tub or shower since she came to live with me and washes herself and her hair using the sink ONLY when she has a medical appointment, 3) will ONLY leave our condo when she has to go to one of those same medical appointments, 4)she complains constantly about everything - she never sees that any cup is half full, only that it is half empty.
She refuses to have someone in to help her bathe, but expects me to do it after I come home from work. We have a hairdresser in our condo building and have tried repeatedly to get her to go see her each week to get her hair washed and styled, but she refuses to go. She will only go when her hair absolutely has to be cut, and then she will not go unless I go with her and sit in the salon while she has it done.
Everytime I have to go out of town for a couple of days, either for my job or just a weekend getaway trip, she calls me to tell me she needs me to come home because her "heart is acting up". I respond by telling her that if she really thinks there's a problem she sould call 911, then call me back. She refuses, saying she will not call 911 if I'm not there with her. This is always followed by her filling me with guilt when I return home because she says she could have died and I should have come home when she called because she needed me and I let her down. The last time this happened, I was a 6 hr drive away with my fiance at his brother's funeral!
She stays up watching television and/or singing along with her cassette tapes all night long, then goes to bed around 7 am and sleeps until around noon. I have to put ear plugs in at night in order to get enough sleep to go to work.
My fiance and I want to get married, but have not because of my Mother. She says his house doesn't have the right kind of toilets(because of her large size she can't wipe herself easily), that she can't stand to walk on the tile and hardwood floors (I had to have even the kitchen of my condo carpeted when she moved in with me!), that she won't feel safe there because there are too many windows and doors, and the list goes on and on.
When I try to talk to her, she gets defensive, saying she is old and not going to be around for long (she's 74) and cries. I end up feeling both guilty and angry. She says I'm selfish because I want to spend weekends with my fiance.
I asked her if she thought she would be more content in an assisted living retirement home, and she accused me of trying to "put her away".
I'm about to go nuts. I think it's time I talked with a counselor, even if I can't get my mother to go with me. Am I really being selfish? Yes, my parents were very good to me, and I couldn't have made it without their help after my divorce many years ago, but am I really expected to put my life on hold until her's ends? I know about tough love for your kids, and I had to put it into practice it a couple of times while they were growing up, but is there such a thing as tough love for your parent(s)??? And, if there is, what is it and how should I do it?
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