Coping With Alzheimers 

I remember clearly that Sunday, several years ago, standing in my parents' kitchen. My sister and I told mom how concerned we were for her. We carefully gave examples of her forgetfulness and the difficulty she seemed to be having expressing herself. Mom looked us both in the face, stamped her foot and said "we have to do something girls." Shortly after, an evaluation was scheduled at the University of Minnesota and mom was given the dreaded diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease. Mom seemed to have known long before the rest of us what was happening to her. She wasn't surprised by the diagnosis nor defensive. Actually, the doctor said she was insightful. After the initial shock, life went back to normal for a short period of time. Mom was on anti-depressants and was still able to do most of those things she had always done. However, she was very gradually losing her skills. Her ability to write a letter, to finish a sentence or to prepare a meal slowly diminished. As her abilities slipped away, my father's defensiveness increased. He attempted to take over those responsibilities my mother had always handled. But each time one of us made it home, the overflowing laundry, empty cupboards and dirty house reminded us it wasn't working. Our next step was in-home support. Through a county program, someone was available to clean the house while another person could bathe mom. A public health nurse managed the case. My father resisted the invasion in his life. He actually hung up the phone when I called to explain that a county nurse, a social worker, and my sister and I would meet with him. However, once he adjusted to people in his home, his relief was obvious. Once again, there was a period of calm, when it seemed we had adjusted to a new normal. It didn't last very long. Dad's loneliness and his need to get away from the constant responsibilities began to emerge. The focus of our attention now needed to shift somewhat back to him. He became increasingly afraid of losing control and having to give up caring for his wife of fifty plus years. Mom was able to get into a respite program two days a week, during which time dad has a chance to get the shopping done, see old friends and be relieved from caretaking. We also developed a schedule so every weekend someone is home at least one night. How do you solve all these dilemma's and move through the constant changes? It isn't easy. We have to rely on each other; that is, my siblings. Sometimes this means blaming, complaining and comparing who does more for mom and dad. The freedom to vent is important. It's difficult to watch your mother slip away. Just recently she stopped recognizing us. I have wished her life would end so her pain could stop. I have no control over that. I can hold her hand, make her comfortable, and give my dad a break. I'll keep doing the things I can do. Written by Diane M. who, for many years, has cared for her mother who has Alzheimer's.